It has been a long time since I wrote anything on the blog. I notice that I have to search for a beginning, as if words fall short of everything that has changed.
A lot has happened. Maybe too much to put into writing, but it still feels important to try.
It has now been over seventeen months since I last came. Sometimes I ask myself if I miss it. The answer is yes. The desire is strong, every single day. But it is precisely that desire that gives me strength. It keeps me focused, present. If it were up to me, I would never come again.
My life has taken on a clear shape. I now have three owners; the third is a cousin of my other owners. In addition, there is a regular client whom I visit regularly, under supervision, as Lola. That role has become who I am.
I wear an internal chastity device and live essentially 24/7 as Lola. My days consist of tasks in and around the house, and on Thursdays at my owner’s cousin’s place. Everything has structure, rules, meaning. As thanks, I drink urine daily—my own or my owners’—kiss and lick their shoes, and receive their spit. It is part of my existence, of my place.
When I do not visit the client, he gives me filled condoms, which I empty under the supervision of my owners. It is humiliating, but also affirming. This is where I belong.
I have contact almost daily with Sub Slut Poppet. That contact means a great deal to me. It feels like being seen. We share thoughts, desires, fantasies. I also discuss these with my owners. Everything is allowed to exist; nothing has to be hidden.
I am regularly locked in my “parking space,” a separate room in the house. There I must chain myself to the wall. In that space I do my daily training: makeup practice, deep oral training with dildos, and sitting on a dildo stool. Sometimes I stay there for hours. I cannot free myself and am completely dependent. That dependency is what makes everything clear and quiet in my mind.
This is where I am now.
Up to here.